A Radical Approach To Finding & Keeping Your Mate...About Steve's co-authored book.
A message from Steve Ross, co-author:
This is a uniquely different, “inside-out” approach to finding and keeping a deeply meaningful relationship. I say "inside-out" because my co-author and I focus less on finding an ideal mate than on becoming an ideal mate.
That means cultivating certain skills, like authenticity, compassion, skillful communication, and the mindful awareness it takes to sustain them.
We've presented a seven-step program for this. I wrote the first draft of it after an intense experience visiting the AIDS Quilt in San Francisco, back in 1986.
The quilt was in a cavernous hall on the lowest level of the Moscone Center. I had to walk down many flights of stairs into ever-increasing darkness to reach it, finally entering the nearly silent, dimly-lit sacred space where every single person was deep in silent reflection.
We all had our real faces on. There were no social smiles, no conversation, only occasional and fleeting eye-contact, maybe a nod. The profound sense of love and loss was everywhere, precluding all else.
Afterward, as I climbed back up toward the light, emerging into a beautiful, cloudless, sunny afternoon, I wondered what it would be like if we could all live like that all the time, completely real, in touch with our deepest feelings, without the protective masks we usually wear. And what stops us? What would we have to learn -- or re-learn -- and practice, to get back there?
Over time, these ideas found their way into the heart of this book.
We've written this book for two kinds of readers: (1) those of you who are over 40, unattached, and would rather not be alone, and (2) those of you in relationship but struggling, wanting to make it more, but unsure how to proceed.
And why "after 40?" Well, we were both over 40, working as therapists with individuals and couples, many of whom were also over 40, and we were developing insights about how the criteria for happiness change over time. We were seeing that our energies and priorities diverge after 40 from the drives of young adulthood – namely to establish careers, home, and family – toward something far less dramatic but profound nonetheless: a kind and loving relationship characterized by true intimacy and acceptance of who we each are, and support of who we each want to become. We wrote this book to support these changes, many of which are seen as "less than" by a youth-oriented culture.
In this book, you'll learn, among other things, how to identify and resolve internal blocks to getting real, that is, developing personal authenticity. We write about how important it is to discover what our past conditioning is, and even more importantly, how to identify and dismantle the big 10 counterproductive (and usually hidden) beliefs that are most likely to sabotage intimacy and block marital success.
We're convinced that these efforts will lead you to meaningful changes in how you think and act about yourself and others. When you present yourself without the protective social masks, and just be who you really are, you will attract people who like what they see – among them, we believe, someone most likely to actually be your ideal mate.
What you will learn:
- Commitment isn’t a leap of faith.
- How to overcome the ten unconscious negative beliefs most likely to sabotage romance.
- The seven steps to personal authenticity.
- How to skillfully, effectively, communicate, even when you're angry.
- How to listen deeply.
- How to avoid empathy-burnout by cultivating compassion.
- Endings, and forgiveness for ourselves and for others.
If you'd like to sample the text, click here. You can buy How To Get Married After Forty at Amazon.com or at BarnesAndNoble.com, or by giving Steve a call at (520) 825-2009. www.marriageafter40.com